A Picture Paints a 1000 Words
A picture paints a thousand words. Ain’t that the truth? My husband and I were sorting through his belongings in his house. Since his wife’s death, he hadn’t felt ready to tackle it and so all the boxes sat there, omnipresent and overwhelming. Some of the sorting was necessary, just because of the sheer volume but it was also quite a cathartic experience and it was nice to support him as well as having a laugh along the way.
What struck me though were the pictures. We looked back through old photographs, some hilarious in the fashion stakes and others prompting fond memories. Then Alain said “what do you think of when you think of your family photos”. Suddenly, all I could think of when thinking of my own parents and family photos was sadness. When I thought of photos with my children, that threw up mostly nostalgia, funny moments and hard times. Hard, as I was a single parent from when the boys were 5 and 3, which meant I had too little time juggling the demands of work and their needs. I wouldn’t swap it for the world, but I do wish I had had more time to enjoy more of those moments.
Right, so that’s the melancholy bit out of the way. What really struck me was how flat 2D pictures really were and how they only meant something to the person who was there at the time. Pictures are a snapshot in time that help create a memory, but there is another dimension missing. Behind each and every picture is a story, a timeline, another set of memories. We see smiles, but we don’t see the pain behind, where pain exists. If someone is battling an illness, they still smile for the camera. We see people together, but we don’t see the joy of their togetherness regardless if they spend every day with each other or barely any days at all. We don’t see the before and after (how easily children can move from laughter to despair or tantrum city). We see a group photo and can’t see how many are still alive - we have to ‘know’ that.
That’s what I think it can be like at work. People are pictures. Very rarely do they come in all their dimensions, where you know their background, their memories, their interactions, their values, wants and needs. All you see is the image they project; sometimes sub consciously, with no awareness of how they might be coming across, and sometimes consciously, where they are trying to project a certain image that is the opposite of how they feel, such as confidence. Those images we see are based on their own background and experiences. For example, I might see someone who is really quiet and doesn’t lift their head when I walk past them when I say hello. I assume they are being rude and have bad manners. In fact, they might just be really shy and that uttering a simple ‘hello’ might unleash a conversation they are unable to cope with. I know that because many years ago, that was me! The thought of potentially having a conversation with someone where I might make myself look stupid, was enough for me to keep my head down and mutter a response.
To understand more about other people, the way they operate and how we can work more effectively together, we need to delve more into the photo album, ask questions, be curious, be less ready to talk about us and more ready to talk about them – assuming they want to of course. This is about natural flowing conversation rather than forced, stilted sentences where it is like getting blood out of a stone. I saw an article recently that talked about, ‘work families’, the idea being that to work more effectively we needed to act more like a family. Well, I know some pretty dysfunctional families and will include my own in that, but I understood the point, even if I don’t entirely agree.
On one hand I actually chose Mott MacDonald to be my most favoured company to work with when I left the RAF, mainly because their consultants walked hand in hand with us, the client, to help us achieve our project needs. I always used to talk about how they had kept the small family business mentality in their provision of services to their clients and I never had reason to doubt that whilst I was working with them. It is without doubt one of the best companies I have worked with and for. But did I regard them as my family? No not really. For me, family and work are two different entities with different goals and measures. That doesn’t mean we don’t mix the two and talk about them to each other, but they aren’t the same. Each can bring joy, and each can bring frustration. We may even deal with conflicts in similar ways. I do wonder whether the need for a family environment at work reflects our own need as social/tribal (I know – I’ll get myself into trouble) creatures. With lives that are ever more pressured, travel much easier (until recently) and work more global we see families moving away from support networks and coping by themselves, until they can create another semblance of a network elsewhere. There is a lot of scientific research being undertaken about our need to be more social, why we crave it and the physical and psychological impact on us as human beings when we don’t have it. That’s another blog methinks.
It’s also interesting because sometimes we talk about the ‘parent/child’ relationship with some organisations. Well, that is also family isn’t it? So, when we talk about a working family, what we really mean are the good bits, the bits that make us feel valued, listened to and a sense of belonging. So how can we do that? I’d like to think we can juxtapose the need to meet targets and deadlines with informal communication and still enjoy ourselves. After all, we spend a long time at work – what is the point if we are unhappy? In fact, I sometimes think that if we put as much effort into our personal lives as we do to jump through the hoops at work, we would be much more successful in personal relationships too!
I’ve not been perfect. I’ve often been target driven and have forgotten the human being behind the activities. I haven’t always thought about what is going on for those people in their lives; I’ve just thought about my own needs and what I needed to achieve. However, since adopting a more ‘curious’ lens I have seen the benefits. This does not mean that I always have deep meaningful conversations about dramatic, traumatic, life changing events resulting in weeping and wailing (that seems to be the go to place when I talk to people about the positives in being more open and informal) but I am more considerate. I silently consider people’s backgrounds, things that might be going on for them. Like a picture, I look at the image I am presented with and I take a look behind the scenes. I ask questions. I am interested. I put my own needs second (mostly) and I am more understanding. As a result, I think I get more than if I had just focused on me.
In the words of Eeyore “A little consideration, a little thought for others, makes all the difference.” So next time you go into the office. Take a picture in your mind. Now imagine everyone in that picture with a real life, through the multi-dimensional lens in glorious technicolour. How would that change the way you work with people today?