Confidence
What is confidence? Literally the meaning is stated as ‘the feeling or belief that one can have faith in or rely on someone or something.’ So, what does it mean for you?
Is it appearing utterly relaxed entering a room of hundreds of people? Is it the ability to give a presentation without stuttering or wondering how many times you have said the word ‘um’. Is it being able to hold your nerve when you take an exam so that you can focus? Or, is it just doing what you think is right, standing up for what you believe and ignoring the critics? Well as you read this, it will largely depend on what is most important to you.
Are we born with confidence? No!!! In fact, we are so dependent on our parents for years on end that it is small wonder to me that we made it as a human race. We don’t spring from our mothers’ womb making grand speeches and regaling stories to our loved ones. If we are lucky, we might speak by the time we are two! There are some schools of thought that say that confidence is genetic, most say it is developmental and I have to say I agree with the latter, but that is just my opinion.
When I look back over my life, I was excruciatingly shy when I was young. I was an only child and adults were my main interaction, other than conversing with me inside my head. No, I am not mad, honest, it’s just that as an only child you learn to ‘just be’ with yourself. I didn’t have many friends at school, was bullied for many years, until, frankly I grew a pair and rammed my bully up against the coat pegs with pure venom on my face – I mean, she had pulled my jumper for gods’ sake. My mum would go mad! Anyway, I digress. I used to be a musician and actually gave up after attending music college and going solo for a few years, partly because I never felt truly confident in that space, always felt there were others far better than me, but mostly because I didn’t love it. Ahhhhhh, interesting that. I didn’t love it, so never felt entirely secure when performing.
I developed more confidence over my military career through training and working with others, but it was still work in progress. Presenting in front of others made me feel shaky and sick, although on the surface no one would have known, well, apart from when I made a complete Horlicks of it and I did! We called it ‘acting like a swan’. On the surface we were calm, elegant, composed, sure of our stuff and underneath our feet were peddling like mad to keep us afloat. It was a great analogy and what struck me was that most of us felt like that at one time or another. Honestly, in the areas of presenting, I’m more confident when I truly believe in the thing I am doing and when I have enough skills and knowledge about the subject matter.
I’ve not had great confidence in relationships either (I was a pleaser) and rarely was I able to stand up for myself if I felt hurt. So, this too has taken time to develop and learn about my needs and how to find the strength and confidence to speak up for me.
All those experiences are very different but in essence, I think confidence can be developed and frankly we could do with helping our kids with this in schools whether it be to prepare for exams, to aid communication or just because it’s another learning and development skill that would be useful. Instead we seem to leave it to chance and personal experience to find our own way through the maze of life.
Sometimes I ask people to imagine they have an alter ego or at the very least imagine that they have confidence and get them to notice the differences in how they feel or act. Very often they will have changed something at a physical or emotional level and are able to tap immediately into that.
Think of a situation when you don’t normally feel confident. Now, imagine that I’ve waved a magic wand and you really are truly confident in that same space. Notice the differences in how you might feel or see yourself, or, notice the tone of your voice. One of my favourite authors and comedian is Dawn French and I love her attitude on confidence…..
“My theory was that if I behaved like a confident, cheerful person, eventually I would buy it myself, and become that. I always had traces of strength somewhere inside me, it wasn't fake, it was just a way of summoning my courage to the fore and not letting any creeping self-doubt hinder my adventures. This method worked then, and it works now. I tell myself that I am the sort of person who can open a one-woman play in the West End, so I do. I am the sort of person who has several companies, so I do. I am the sort of person WHO WRITES A BOOK! So I do. It's the process of having faith in the self you don't quite know you are yet, if you see what I mean. Believing that you will find the strength, the means somehow, and trusting in that, although your legs are like jelly. You can still walk on them and you will find the bones as you walk. Yes, that's it. The further I walk, the stronger I become. So unlike the real lived life, where the further you walk, the more your hips hurt.”
― Dawn French, Dear Fatty