Don't Judge a Book By it's Cover
Don’t judge a book by its cover……
I was struck by something the other day, and not for the first time, that depending on the way we look at something, the reality can be very different. Well, that’s not unusual you might think. The light might be different or the weather, or where the object is placed. But what if that object was a person and that person was your boss or a work colleague? What if their actions caused a negative reaction in you that didn’t seem to cause a similar reaction in others? Why might that be the case? Answer? Our experiences.
In essence, we are all unique. We are from different cultures, different backgrounds and upbringings and, as a result, we have different experiences. We might ‘see’ things differently and, as a consequence, have different feelings and emotions as a result. We can sense negativity even if we don’t always see it or hear it, it’s a combination of different factors. Our brains are rapidly filtering information constantly on the look-out for any potential problems but also ready to dose up on the dopamine of positivity. The simple action of ‘think, feel, choose’ creates 400 billion actions per second. Our brains are, nothing short of, incredible. Imagine walking down the street. We can pick out someone we know in a crowd in a nano-second, even if the place is out of context, like on holiday abroad. So, if it can do that, what else is it doing? Well, it’s deleting, distorting and generalising as it tries to make ‘sense’ of everything we see, hear, smell, feel, touch and even taste. It’s constantly thinking ‘self or other’ i.e., is this safe or dangerous? When we are in a work situation, we are doing the same thing, whether that is conscious or not.
Work, is by and large, a competitive environment. It can be with yourself (getting to the next grade or pay level) or with others. We can eye others with suspicion, just in the same way we played games when we were a kid. The opponent might try something sneaky to try and outsmart us and, just like in the game, no one wants to lose. People will tell me that they don’t view work as winning or losing, but really, sometimes when you watch them, even in meetings, it’s all about winning and for some people, looking good in front of the boss. Yes, we can work as a team, play nice, ‘collaborate’ (the most over-used and misunderstood word in many languages) but at the end of the day, promotion and pay is personal and rarely a team sport. There are a few examples, start-up companies that have a more flexible approach or companies facing the wall, who, by asking their employees for help, make different decisions, but generally these examples are few and far between. On top of that remember our ability to distort, delete and generalise and then on top of that put our own experiences and senses into the mix to make sense of what we are ‘seeing’. It can appear complicated.
I was coaching someone a few years ago, who, when we met, used to put his feet up on the desk, shoved his hands behind his head and rocked back on his chair, while we were in meetings. I found it funny. I half wondered what he would do if I did the same and I also wanted him, just one day, to fall off. (Sorry, that’s just my sense of humour; I meant no ill harm). He never did, but that is by the by. He would chat, look out of the window, rock on his chair, all with his feet up without a care, seemingly, in the world. I found it quite a relaxed environment; we both chatted. I never felt annoyed or upset and often this relaxed approach elicited good, rich data for us to work on.
I observed other people in the office though, who would come out of meetings with him, red faced and flustered. They would say, ‘to put your feet up on the table is disrespectful, rude and disgusting behaviour’ or ‘by putting his feet on the table he was definitely putting me in my place’. I found it interesting how we could experience polar opposite emotions about the same person, in broadly the same meeting! How was this possible? So, I decided one day to get curious. To ask. After all, if the person in question wasn’t aware how they came across, how could they put it right?
Years ago, before I had even thought of coaching, I had been accused of being aloof. Now, I’m all for getting feedback but I’m going to admit that it smarted. However, it made me reflect. If someone thought that of me, what message was I delivering? I realised that actually I was a little defensive. I didn’t want to be shown up, I didn’t want to come across as stupid, so I’d created a little wall that helped me feel protected. In reality, not everyone saw a defence mechanism, they just saw detachment, aloofness. I worked hard on that afterwards to try and make sure that I didn’t come across like that but honestly, sometimes we have to accept that we can’t please everyone.
Anyway, back to the coaching. One day I went into his office, started our usual conversation and I said, “do you mind if I just ask you something?” “Go ahead he replied”. “I’ve noticed that a few people are sometimes a bit flustered when they come out of your meetings and wondered if you were aware of that?” “Really” he said? “Do you know why?” “Well, I wonder if it’s because you put your feet up on the desk. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest, but for some people it might make them feel inferior”. Now, straight away, as if I’d hit his knee with a baton to gauge his reflex, he sat bolt upright and took his feet off the table. “Really?” He asked. “I’ve done that for years and no-one has said a thing, ever! It’s kind of what I do when I want to think or if I feel relaxed”. “Have you ever heard of mirroring” I asked? “No?! What is that?” “It’s when you broadly adopt the position of the other person (without taking the mickey out of them). You know when you see a really connected couple and they drink a cup of tea at the same time, they sit in the same way. It’s what helps generate great rapport.”
He looked at me and laughed and said, “you should be putting your feet up on the desk then”. “Maybe I should” I said, “but that isn’t the point. I already have a good relationship with you but, imagine someone in my past had been overbearing and one of the things they did to demonstrate their seniority was to put their feet up on the desk. I might look at what you do (filtering) and assume you are the same (deletion and generalisation – ALL people that put their feet up are……?)”
He made an O shape with his lips and looked very thoughtful. “I’d never thought of it like that” he said. “So, what else have you noticed?
“Well, you can be very grumpy and sometimes you are quite abrupt”
“Errmmm yes, but I can’t be happy all of the time, can I?”
“No, none of us can be and I wonder when you do come across like what the reason could be?”
“Sometimes I’m tired, sometimes I’m under pressure and I just need to get things done”
“And sometimes you like to have continual updates for tasks”
“Yeeessssss?”
“Well that can come across as micro-management and pressure when in actual fact if you trusted people to get the job done, it might relieve a lot of stress. I mean if you were in the same position, what would you want?”
“Well yes OK, I get that and of course I wouldn’t want someone looking over my shoulder all of the time, but look, if we don’t succeed, I have to go and tell the senior management team why we have failed”.
“So, you will feel a failure”
“Yes”
“Have you ever failed before?” (brain searches for evidence) “No”.
“So why do you think you would fail now?”
(Brain clutches as several straws) Sigh, “no idea”
“OK, so if you let go of the control, what would happen?”
(Brain panics) “Ummmmm, everything would go wrong”.
“Everything? Really?”
(Brain panics less and starts looking for solutions) “OK, probably not”
“And on those occasions, if you weren’t ‘in control, grumpy and barking orders, what would you be doing instead?”
He looked up and away (brain imagines seeing another version of himself inside his head) “I’d be more relaxed. I’d delegate more and I’d probably ask people to stick their feet on the desk and help me out”. We both laughed at that point, as it had come full circle to the first discussion.
Actually, imagining we are talking to someone else and giving them advice, even if it is another version of ourselves, can be very useful. We tend to reason more wisely about other people's problems than our very own, something known as Solomons Paradox.
We chatted a bit more about times when he hadn’t felt stressed and how he had acted differently, but promotion had increased his responsibility and stress levels. What was quite telling was his phrase ‘it can be lonely at the top Michelle”. I was struck by that because as human beings, despite all our strengths, knowledge and courage, we still need support. We need people around us, to act as sounding boards, to challenge us, to push us and to support us. It’s one of the reasons I believe why coaching for executives became so popular in the first place and perhaps why we thought people lower down the hierarchy didn’t necessarily need it. Coaches have no political stance or bias in the organisation. We can be the sounding board and provide that challenge and occasionally support when there seems to be no one else around.
What was really interesting after that meeting was when he brought all of his team together and said, quite simply, “I’m sorry”. He apologised for any misunderstandings, abrupt behaviour and the difficulties he had had in delegating. “I feel responsible” he said, “for making this a success and I know I can’t do it without you”. In that moment, he had voiced his vulnerabilities, but more than that, he had shown he was human. What happened after that was nothing short of incredible. One person said, ‘how can we help?’ and the mending started at that point.
What had really helped him in the end? Being curious. Asking questions. Not assuming that what you saw was what was meant. Understanding that a human being, wherever they sit in the organisation could be lonely and also unaware of how they might come across to other people. Just occasionally, they might struggle and need support, but instead of asking, they look inside themselves for the answer. I don’t tend to start a question with ‘why?’ Why, initiates a defensive response. No, I prefer curiosity, which of course, answers the ‘why’ but in a much softer way.
Next time we are faced with behaviours that don’t sit right with us, instead of assuming a, b or c about that person, perhaps we could just ask some questions to get the whole picture and from there, build better connections with others. A great quote sums this up for me, from Winston Churchill….
“To look is one thing, to see what you look at, is another.
To understand what you see is another.
To learn from what you understand is something else.
But to act on what you learn is all that really matters”