Why the hell is it so difficult to ask for something?
Ask goddammit!
Seems simple doesn’t it? One might think it sounds too good to be true and therefore, not achievable but let’s think about it for a moment. When we are at the table and we want someone to pass us the salt and pepper, we don’t say , “could you pass me the butter please,” or anything else for that matter. We simply say, “could you pass the salt and pepper please?” So why is it so difficult when it comes to something important, like asking for a pay rise, a change in role, talking about personal matters with loved ones or asking a partner to do something specific?
Well, asking someone to pass the salt is no biggie is it? But the intention is still the same. We want something, we ask for it and we get it. With personal issues, what gets in the way of that are emotions, beliefs and perceptions, which then mess everything up, so we approach the situation with sweaty palms, imagining all the outcomes (usually negative) and get ourselves into a right tizz before we have even started.
What if they think badly of me?
I’m not good enough to get that promotion and I will feel stupid for asking
What if they belittle my thoughts?
They won’t understand me so it’s pointless saying anything
I don’t deserve a wage increase. Everyone else is much better than me.
Small wonder that what comes out of our mouths can often be gibberish. If I think back over my own life where it has been difficult to voice my true thoughts, I can give the following examples:
1. I wanted commitment in a long-term relationship
2. I wanted promotion at work and wanted to know what I needed to do
3. I wanted help with a particular element of my work
4. I wanted a relationship that met my needs
I would spend ages thinking of every possible outcome that might occur. I would consider every possible way that I might feel (and that usually focussed on an unsuccessful outcome) and how I would deal with the disappointment afterwards. I dared to consider what I deserved to receive, for a fleeting moment, before it disappeared. So how do we get over that? How do we ask, straight out, without being bullish, what we need and desire?
What I have learned, over time, is that in the majority of cases, stating those needs doesn’t result in the sky falling in, being sacked or relationships ending, unless that was the right thing to happen. Often my perception of what might have happened, didn’t actually materialise. Now I have the knowledge and strength to know I can do something different.
1. If I didn’t get the promotion or pay rise, I would work towards the goals and objectives that enabled it. If it was clear that was never going to happen, I had to decide whether to stay, feeling unrewarded and undervalued or move to another job or role.
2. If I didn’t get what I needed out of a relationship, despite repeated attempts to be clear about my wishes, then I had to make the choice whether to stay or leave
Recently, I was having a conversation with my husband and I was explaining my needs and wants and how this compared to his needs and wants. It was interesting. Because of my upbringing the occasional gift or a token of affection means a lot to me; it signifies being thought of, being considered and being loved. The lack of them, means the opposite, but it was very hard for me to say that because somehow it felt greedy, almost as though there was an expectation that I should be showered with gifts and treated like a princess. In turn, he said how he needed conversation, discussion, sharing of our thoughts etc. for exactly the same reason. It was hard starting the conversation off and it needs a certain environment to do that, but understanding each other’s needs can bring us closer together.
The feeling of saying ‘this is what is important to me and this is what I would like and why’ brings such a feeling of relief, relaxation and release. It takes some time and reflection but think right now about something you really need or want at the moment. Have you agonised about asking for it? Have you rehearsed your lines and considered all the things you might say until you get to the moment when you finally say ‘I’d like……’. Now notice all of the negative thoughts that pop up in your mind that might put you off asking. Then ask yourself, ‘what if none of these things were true?’ or, ‘I might get some negative feedback but what can I do with that response?’ E.g. If you want to ask for a pay rise and the thought that comes up is ‘you are not good enough’, think of all the times you have been good enough; look for the evidence where you have been given positive feedback and then quietly say, ‘but I think I am’ and notice what happens to the thought now.
Think back to where we started, with the salt and pepper. Remove the emotion, say it and notice what happens. You might surprise yourself.
Michelle Ensuque