Enough is enough
I’ve lost count of the successful men and women I have talked to who drive themselves incredibly hard, balancing the demands of busy jobs and personal lives. Many move seamlessly from a fast-paced work environment straight into meal preparation, bedtime routines, school preparations, dealing with family disputes, caring for ailing parents or loved ones, going to the gym to work out. The list, for some can feel endless. The endless treadmill of life.
Often when I talk to people I am struck by just how many things are on their list each day and generally the person talks very fast, hopping from one task to the other and at the end, they stop and say, ‘how do I find time for me?’. Well of course with a list like that it seems impossible, especially when what we are telling ourselves is, ‘I have to, I should do, I need to’. These words tend to stem from our upbringing and/or experiences. Phrases such as ‘you HAVE to work hard to succeed’, ‘you NEED to do this first, before you can do that’, are commonplace. I bet if you listened to people talking now, you would hear those words said a lot. There is nothing wrong with the phrases in isolation. Yes, of course, hard work will undoubtedly bring success (success being a different measure to everyone), but it is ‘how’ hard we work and what that image conjures up for us, that is key.
There is also the image of failing in some respect if we don’t do these things or at least things we think are expected of us. Failure as a parent, or a work colleague, as a husband or a wife.
After my divorce, I left the RAF and embarked on a new career. At work I felt I had to prove to my colleagues that I was capable, flexible and not someone who barked orders to others (that is the general perception of the military, even though I’ve never barked an order in my entire life), so I not only worked during the day at the office, but also in the evenings, once the kids were in bed asleep. However, I was also a single mum, with two small boys, so when I came home, I dropped into parent mode immediately, cooking, bathing, bedtime stories and preparing their lunches for the next day as well as cleaning and tidying, washing and ironing. Later on, it was keeping on top of school e mails and to be fair, I missed quite a few, often sending the kids into school in normal clothes or something cobbled together because I’d forgotten it was a non-school uniform day. What a bad mother! Oh, the guilt I used to plaster onto myself because I’d forgotten those details.
Why was I doing all of these things? Well, it was simply because I thought I had to. That I had no choice. That all these tasks needed to be done before I could go to bed. Forget about ‘me’ time – getting to bed was the aim, before starting the next day all over again. Add into that mix, sick children, lack of sleep, a parent/loved one falling ill and/or dying and you can see how this cycle could be so destructive. There was no one to say to me ‘which things do you really need to do’, or, ‘what will happen if you don’t do these things’? If I’d thought about them, like I do now, I’d have relaxed a lot more, not worried so much and probably been a little better organised and less seemingly forgetful. I also didn’t ask people for help. It wasn’t in my psyche. I considered it MY responsibility and mine alone to do all of those things. I wanted my kids to look clean and well turned out so spent hours on ironing! I wanted them to have nutritious, balanced meals and always cooked from scratch, never ordering take out. (My kids thought McDonalds was an ice cream parlour for years)!! If I had relaxed, even one night in the week it might have helped. But that was linked to another value, security, which was linked to money. Spending money on a cleaner or take out was wasteful, when I SHOULD be able to do those things myself. My role models were two parents that split blue and pink tasks. Dad went out and earned the money and did the gardening. He seemed to draw the line at DIY to be honest so I’ve no idea who actually did that! My mum cleaned and cooked. She did have a few jobs over the years, but she still cleaned and cooked. So, I felt that even though I worked full time, I also had to do everything else as well, forgetting that I did not have super-hero skills.
Eventually I took a long hard look at myself and what I was doing and said “enough is enough”. I got angry with myself, not in a beating myself up way but a ‘come on Michelle, do something different’ way. I felt empowered to think differently and therefore act differently. Being empowered didn’t take away previous trauma, abuse or negative experiences but it did help me change my future.
It’s not surprising that people burn out is it, with the amount of pressure we put upon ourselves? Now when I ask those questions of my clients, I am amazed at the resources they discover that can help them operate in a less destructive way. When they realise that asking people for help, actually gives other people pleasure rather than being a burden, it is such a joy to see the expression on their faces when they realise that they are gaining time back for them.
Finally, having choice over doing things or not is important. Using phrases such as ‘I choose to do this’ or, ‘I want to do this’ is far less aggressive than have, should or need to. It indicates we have choice over what we do. It does take some practice and whilst some of what I do deals with the unconscious mind, creating a different, conscious pattern of choice, a little bit of practice every day, helps create new pathways in the brain, a new habit.
Try these techniques for yourself:
1. Ask yourself what actually HAS to be done and what do you have choice over?
2. Write down a list of essential tasks and those that are simply nice to have. Put them up as reminders, to generate the thought process in your brain ‘do I really need to do that?’
3. Ask a friend for help and notice how that feels when they are more than happy to do what you have asked.
4. Write down your top 10 values e.g., health, wealth, security, love, freedom (there are hundreds) and look at your top 3-4. It might give you an idea of what drives you to do the things you do.
5. Ask yourself what you would be doing for you right now, to relax, if you weren’t doing some of these things and how could that help you?
We don’t have to drive ourselves so hard and be responsible for everything. It’s not always about driving the car from A to B as fast as we can; sometimes we can take in the view too!